Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
