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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.